shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize