The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize