She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
