addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
