Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
