yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize