she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaĂt comercial?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
