i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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