i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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