I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
