Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
