Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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