my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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