Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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