why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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