lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
