Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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