Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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