This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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