i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
