a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
