ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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