Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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