Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
