I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
