She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
