too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
