hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
