I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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