i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
