Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
