my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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