Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Randomize
