My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
