end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
