I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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