We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
