I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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