I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
