Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
