I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I love you. Go after that dick
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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