Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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