Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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