pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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