if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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