Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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