Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
