Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
