i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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