If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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