you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
