Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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