Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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