Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
