Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
