life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
